Grief and Addiction: A toxic combination
My Story

I’ve always thought of myself as a fairly level-headed guy. I’m not given to wild swings of Emotion, one way or another. My risk appetite I would say, is moderate. I’ve never been the type to consider sports betting a hobby.
That all changed on my birthday, March 2003. I was residing in the UK at the time. I remember taking the day off work, not particularly because it was my Birthday, more just so I could have a break from what for me had become routine. I walked down the High Street of Brentwood, a nice town in Essex, where I lived at the time. I spent some time looking in shop windows, not really looking to buy anything, just enjoying the view, the Sun was out and it was a lovely day.
One of the Shops was a popular UK betting brand, and I was fascinated by the posters on the windows. On a whim, I walked in. There were roughly 10 punters in the mid-sized shop. There were screens showing various Sports, prominent among them as I recall, was the horse-racing. I walked up to a board which had lots of papers clipped on, with various information to help punters with their decision-making. I was to learn later that this was the racing order/form and odds for the horses. I randomly selected a horse, the odds were 33 to 1. I knew nothing of the horse’s background information, the Jockey and all such stuff. For me, it was just a harmless punt on an outside bet which at GBP10, I felt was affordable.
I placed my bet, and looked up at the screen to watch the race. I’m sure you won’t be very surprised that my 33 to 1 outside bet came in, winning me £330 plus my £10 stake! I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was rooted to the spot, looking at the screen to read the results again, just so I could confirm I wasn’t mistaken. When it came on again, and sure as heck, my bet had come in, I was unsure of how to proceed. I asked one of the punters what to do, showing him my ticket. He slapped me across the back heartily, said I was the luckiest man, after I told him it was my first ever bet! He then used the phrase “Beginner’s luck”, something which I would ultimately come to regret. He pointed me to the Cashier and told me to just present the ticket and I would get my payout, which I did, and I was paid. £340 in my hands just like that…..this was beginning to feel like my best Birthday in years!
I put the cash in my pocket, and quickly proceeded to the Board to check for more potential bets (something I’ve played back over in my mind so many times, each time wishing I’d just walked out of that shop immediately). I picked out a bet at odds of 50 to 1, strongly believing my beginner’s luck was still solid. I had £330 in my pocket, so I thought I’d lump £50 on this one. If it comes in, brilliant…if not, I still had a fair amount of money, so not much lost. Needless to say this horse came in hopelessly last, as the odds predicted! I should have heeded the warning signs the Universe was sending me, but I now understand that sometimes, the process has to be seen to its logical conclusion. I stayed in that shop for the next couple of hours, where I proceeded to lose every last penny I won, in addition to an extra £100 of my own money!
I left with a burning desire to win back all I’d lost, which was going to be the theme of my betting experience through the years. The next couple of days, I studied all I needed to learn about betting on horses. I was armed, I thought, with the relevant information to engage in my new found passion successfully.
Over the next four years, I lost a lot of the bets I placed and the occasional ones I would win, would boost my hope where it was waning. I was hooked!
I relocated to Nigeria early in 2007, and this gave me respite as gambling had not taken off in the Country at that time. It all went quiet on that front, as I settled into a new life, professionally as well as personally. I had a family now and things were going good. Until that is, I hit an Iceberg that almost sank my proverbial Titanic.

It was late November 2017, and a Colleague at work approached me for my analysis of some football matches he was interested in placing bets on. Note, that at this time, I was vaguely aware of the fact that a thriving betting industry had lately become very prominent for a variety of reasons. There’s a large Youth population, who love their Sports especially Football. With huge Unemployment figures leaving most with time on their hands, it follows that their attention will be drawn by the proliferation of Betting Shops, which provide hope of a shot at some sort of economic breakthrough.
Back to my Colleague, he predicated his approach to me for my Analysis on the fact that I’m considered to be very knowledgeable about Football. He had on different occasions, praised my insight, while musing about me taking a keener interest in ‘forecasting’ for bets. I had not taken any notice of his nudging till that day.
I had a look at the games he presented, gave my analysis and made my calls. He asked to know the level of confidence I had in my picks and I replied, 95%! He then said why not place a bet along with him, seeing as I was that confident. I wasn’t so sure, but he persuaded me to place a bet with the lowest acceptable sum, One hundred Naira, NGN100 (20p). At odds of over 160 to 1, it was the most ‘outside’ of ‘outside bets’, and with my potential loss pegged at a very bearable sum, I quickly forgot about it.
The next morning, he’s rushed to my Office holding a little over Sixteen thousand Naira (NGN16k), just over GBP30, and smiling broadly! He told me he was so sure of my analysis that he put a bet on with his own money, Five hundred Naira (NGN500), around £1, which won him 5 times what he was bringing to me. I was very happy for him, and told him he could keep the winnings he brought to me as well. He was very surprised and grateful. He declared that from then on, I would be his Analyst when he’d want to have a bet.
I didn’t take much of all this seriously until after a couple of weeks of helping him with his Analyses and bets, I got pulled back into that world. There were some games I analyzed and thought were easy winners, so I placed a bet. Nothing too much, but it was a sizeable punt. Well you guessed it, it didn’t come in and I lost my money. Anyone would think that with my previous experience, I would close that page, and throw the book away. You have to understand however, that gambling addiction is like a bad drug habit. You take a little, and you’re hooked, constantly seeking the next hit!

Now for some context. I was at a period in my life where my professional and private life were in a bit of a mess. I was going through some really crippling financial issues, and I had to take a sizeable loan from a loan shark. This was so I could invest in some business idea that I thought would bring very good returns so I could pay off the loan debt, and be back on track financially. The investment was a disaster and I was now at the mercy of the Loan shark. My financial problems were affecting my family life, as I was becoming less and less able to meet up with the responsibilities that come with having a Family.
There was a strain on my Marriage as a result, not so much because of my partner (she did very well to step into the breach quite often), but from me feeling sorry for myself and withdrawing into a shell. I was slowly slipping into a dark hole, but I kept up a brave face to everyone around me. By this time, it had become a habit to place bets at every opportunity. I was operating under the frankly pathetic impression that I could use whatever I won to clear my debts and get back on track financially. I was making long shot bets, placing them on any and every event that caught my eye. Every little amount of income that came in was used in part to place bets! It got worse once I discovered the online betting platforms. This meant I didn’t have to go into one of the many shops that was in almost every street corner around where I lived and worked. So I had effectively found an ‘open all hours’ bet shop where I could do my business without fear of being seen, and all the guilt and shame that comes with that (yes, deep down I felt guilt and shame!).
I was lurching from one disaster to another because for each bet I placed and won, all ‘gains’ made would be wiped out once I placed the next one. Then I would engage in what is known as ‘bet chasing’, and would find myself sinking further. In all of this, I was still having to deal with the Loan sharks and servicing the debt was taking a massive toll on my mental health. Then the ultimate disaster struck!

My Dad and I had our differences. We had what some might call a difficult relationship. I was his first child and being male, in my Culture, it was a big deal. My Dad was by all standards, a very successful man. He led a huge Company and grew them into industry leaders, and he was widely celebrated in Society. This meant I had a tough act to follow, and he always wanted to groom me to follow his path. I’d always been quite independent-minded and this led to not a few disagreements over the years. However around this time, he had just retired and he was at a very reflective time in his life, and we had both done a lot of talking and smoothing things over. We were effectively at the best we’d ever been in terms of our Father/ Son relationship. Then he took ill. I was with him at the hospital for a week, after which he recovered. He then decided, after consulting with all of us members of his family, to take a vacation in the UK. This was to further his recovery process. He was taken ill again, on the night he arrived the UK. A couple of weeks after, he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Liver Cancer, and given months to live!
I am known, by friends and loved ones, to be an emotionally strong individual. I’ve always been able to take most things in my stride, at least publicly. This news totally destroyed that impression of me that was previously held. I was an emotional wreck. My Dad’s impending demise was the very last thing I thought I’d be dealing with at that time. The fact that our relationship was in a very good place after all the years was very positive for me. It was like an oasis in the desert of my dark despair, and I was hoping that I could lean on him to pull me through the desperate times I found myself in. I felt trapped! I didn’t see anywhere to turn. As I was trying to make sense of the turmoil that was unfolding in my life, he passed! It was barely 3 weeks after his diagnosis!

I’ve often heard about people falling apart when faced with devastating loss and some never really recovering from the trauma. You never know how it feels until it happens to you. My Dad’s passing was the lowest I have ever felt in my entire life! I didn’t know what to do, who to turn to, how to think, what steps to take. Recall that I said earlier that in my Culture, being male and the first child was a big deal. I had all these responsibilities thrust at me immediately, my head was spinning from the gravity of the situation. I was not in the least bit prepared for what followed. Everyone, much as they expressed sympathy, expected me to step up to the plate and hit home runs out of the park straight away!
I was in the most toxic mind space. I had my overwhelming grief, my crippling self-doubt, my crumbling marriage, my huge debt burden…..and invariably that which I sought solace in, my soul-destroying addiction! There would be days I’d just feel so overwhelmed by it all, and I would be driven to the most extreme thoughts. By this time, I was placing an inordinate number of bets, sometimes from dawn through midnight, and as much as 5 each hour. I was a mental wreck! My debt profile was now so huge it had become unserviceable. My Creditors had lost patience and were threatening fire and brimstone. My marriage was practically over. Some of my loved ones had staged interventions at various points, as they had found out about my situation, even as they didn’t know the true extent of it. All of their efforts were futile, because my grief-stricken addicted mind, overwhelmed as it was at times, refused to believe that it was a problem I couldn’t handle on my own.
My marriage being effectively over, I moved out of the house, leaving my kids with their Mum. Then began the most unbelievable sequence of events that I have experienced in my entire life. I moved out with just a small suitcase that had a few clothes, my toilet bag and my Documents. I started crashing in a friend’s Office after hours, sleeping on the floor. I would get up very early and wash in the small toilet attached to the office, and be ready for the time he’d arrive to commence the day’s business. I was still placing online bets at this time, I had virtually stopped going in the Shops. I lived like this for a few weeks, till a couple of my siblings staged a major intervention, where they insisted I go live with one of them, as it was heartbreaking for them to see what had become of me.
In hindsight, I smile when I remember that even with all that I was going through, I still put up some resistance as my stubborn pride reared up not minding how far down that hole of despair I’d sunk. I eventually agreed to move in with my Sister, and it was possibly the best decision I’ve made in a very long time…it effectively saved my life!

Moving in with her meant I had to make a huge lifestyle adjustment because for the first time in my adult life, I wasn’t living in a space that was specifically mine. Much as she made me feel comfortable, I was constantly dealing with the thought that I was a failure.
Day after day, that thought became a silent motivator. With my confidence at the lowest it had ever been, I had taken to reading a lot of self-help literature. I had to start from virtually zero, zero self-belief, zero drive, zero motivation! Then on the eve of my birthday in March, I woke up with some level of clarity I hadn’t experienced at any point in the past couple of years. It was as if a massive fog had lifted and I could clearly see the Sun shining again. I had a recurring thought at the back of my mind – from now on, you are never going to place another bet, ever again!
I was really tired by this time, mentally weary. The daily grind of trawling through sports events, making analyses, picking potential bets, had taken a grand toll on me. The frustration of losing the bets at a rate of 80%, was especially exhausting. I made the declaration that March morning and felt a sense of calm that had eluded me for a few years. It was as if a massive rock had been taken off my back. On that day, I uninstalled all the Apps that were on my phone that were related to sports betting. I closed all of my betting Accounts on the Apps, went on Twitter and muted all words that were associated with betting, and generally spent the whole time getting rid of all triggers I could find.
My Birthday came and I spent the day with my Kids, not a single thought of bets. The day after was the same, and I was slowly feeling a little less stressed. A few weeks later, there was a pronouncement of a Country-wide lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic.
This, in hindsight, helped in no small way to making me focus on keeping my mind free of all distractions. I spent a lot of time during the lockdown, filling up my head with positive reinforcements from resources on the internet, and consuming a lot of motivational literature. There was a strong resolve that I would never go back to that mind space, and that feeling of helplessness.
Emerging from the lockdown, I was refreshed and determined to turn all the negatives that had clouded my life, into positives. I realized that the mind is a very powerful tool, and you can make it do absolutely anything you require of it. I started to write down stuff, pieces about my experience, goals with timelines, and my plans on how to achieve them.
I also opened lines of communication with my Ex, something which was virtually non-existent before. I made a conscious decision to meet with a therapist, and that helped in no small way in coming to terms with a lot of the latent issues I was repressing.

My friend, in whose Office it was I was crashing, as well as my Sister, contributed in helping me keep my focus. I got encouraged to start a Podcast, which was one of the best decisions I took in my recovery. On the very second Episode of the show (I named it The Impact Zone Podcast), I came clean about the Addiction which had had a devastating effect on my Life. Many people, including my friend and Sister, were shocked about the extent to which I had fallen, and how close to absolute ruin I had come. The outpouring of Support and understanding I received however made it all worthwhile.
I am still a work in progress. I am slowly picking up the pieces, training my mind daily to not see negatives, employing tunnel-vision in trying to create a new reality for myself and loved ones. I am determined to stay focused on my goals, and I’m also working on helping others through Addiction Advocacy, by providing Peer Support, starting with the platform of my Podcast, where possible. Most people here are either too ashamed to admit they have a problem, or just don’t even regard it as such. I am concerned about the cumulative effect of this on the collective mental health of such individuals and their families, in the Society.

I decided to write this as some sort of therapy, as well as a reminder of where I’ve been, and the determination to never be back there again.